Back on the Roller Coaster

My personal fave: Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk's Giant Dipper (pic: entertainmentdesigner.com)

I went to my first writers' conference in a few years and found it as exciting and devastating as ever. They hold the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference a stone's throw from Sea-Tac airport, and the Hilton charges $10/day for parking with no in-out privileges, which ensures that everyone who attends the conference has neither the temptation to skip the sessions and wander the neighborhood, nor the financial means to do so. I did venture outside so far as the 7-11, where I went on a scavenger hunt for the item in the store most resembling actual food, but that was about it.

For other budding writers out there, I do highly recommend the conference. It's a great mix of sessions on craft and business, the other writers are friendly, and you get an opportunity to pitch to agents and editors (more on that below). They've also seriously beefed up the sessions on ebooks and self-publishing since I was last there, but since I've been-there-done-that, and since my son had an exactly simultaneous swim meet in Federal Way, I skipped those bits (and wheedled one get-out-of-parking-free pass from the nice Hilton guy).

But back to the roller coaster metaphor.

Have you ever been on a ride and thought, when the safety bar came down across your lap, or the five-point belt locked over your chest, what the heck am I doing on this thing? Let me OFF!!!!! ? Well, on a whim some months ago, when I was most in my Jane-Austen-knockoffs mood, I whipped up a few chapters of a frothy "Regency" romance and sent it in to the PNWA Literary Contest. (Note: my book isn't technically Regency, since it's set in 1808, but let's not split generic hairs. Best to call it "in Jane Austen's day.") Along about May I got a call from Pam Binder, the PNWA President, to say The Naturalist had been chosen as a finalist. Yippeeeeeeee, I thought, and immediately signed up for the conference. I pictured myself standing atop Victory Mountain, agents and editors clamoring at my feet. I was locked in and going for the ride.

Then there was Climb #1: I hadn't actually finished the thing. I was back to my Rome women's fiction book. But I had to finish The Naturalist, right? Otherwise, what would I give the clamoring agents and editors? Whew. School was getting out in a month, and I had to get 'er done. I buckled down and cranked it out. A story I loved.

The Rapid Descent Where You Scream Your Head Off and Despair: on the second day of the conference I sat in on a talk about women's fiction and romance, and one of the primary agents I hoped to pitch said unequivocally that she was "Regencied out." Regencied out?

You and me both, Homer. You and me both.

After hanging out on those sites and blogs devoted to Austen sequels, continuations, retellings, etc. etc., I couldn't imagine anyone could say this. The danged Austen only wrote six books--didn't we fans need a constant supply of Austenesque reading material to keep us going? How could anyone be Regencied out? To add to my kicked-in-the-gut feeling, this particular agent happened to look a lot like (and share mannerisms of) a friend of mine, so I felt like it was Molly (totally her real name) telling me she was through. So strong was that feeling that I went up afterwards and tried to explain myself: it's a Regency, sort of, but with a twist! Really, really, Molly--I mean Agent--you shouldn't write it off! The agent was friendly and polite and probably spent the walk back to her hotel room glancing over her shoulder, in case this weirdly insistent woman decided to follow her.

That's what I'm talking about. (pic: River Bottom Blues)

The Loop-the-Loop and Spin. I used to love rides that incorporated spinning and upside-downness. I viewed with scorn the moms who would sit on the bench, holding the jackets. Well, it's been some years now that the spinny things make me want to hurl, and when someone has to wait it out and hold the jackets, my hand shoots up: pick me! Pick ME! The spinning and wanting-to-hurl aptly describes the speed pitching session at the conference. You've got four minutes to make someone fall in love with you and your project. Like speed dating, only worse. Worse because it's not someone rejecting YOU for being dog-ugly or watching-paint-dry boring (bad enough), it's someone rejecting your BABY for being not cute enough. And they were able to come to that conclusion in four short minutes.

I hung on for this portion of the ride and managed to convince a few agents and one editor that my baby was cute. Two people requested full submissions, for which I wanted to ask them to marry me--except, while gay marriage is now legal in Washington, bigamy isn't, so I had to refrain. Another few requested partials. I was riding high.

But then another wave of stupid hit me. There sat Molly--I mean that one Agent--toward the end of one table, and I was drawn to her like a seagull to discarded French fries. Yes. Despite her declaration of being Regencied out, and despite already bugging her the day before, I decided to pitch to her. Halfway through my spiel, Agent-not-Molly says, "I've read this book before."

Can I borrow your sword, Panthea, when you're done with it?

"Noooooooo!!!!" I cried (aloud). "You read this? Someone already wrote this book???"

Agent nodded thoughtfully as I collapsed across the pitch table. "No, really," she said. "I just read this book."

Now, I grant you, romances can be formulaic, but every other person I'd pitched to had said something along the lines of, "I like this particular bit. It's different." Being told that not only was the book not original, but someone had already written the darned thing, point-for-point-- Well, that was like the roller coaster getting stuck while everyone was upside down, and the lady above you barfing on you. Exactly like that.

It took me a second to recover, courtesy of a Eureka! moment. But the Eureka! moment was nearly as devastating.

"Wait a second," I said. "You probably have read it. Did you read for the Literary Contest?" (The Contest lets an agent or editor choose the final winners.)

She had.

Which meant--thank God--someone out there had not already written my book, point-for-point, and sent it to her. That was the good news.

The bad news was that it meant I had lost the contest. Of all the agents who could have done the final judging, it fell to the one who was Regencied out. Waaaaaaaaaaa. Sure enough, later that evening, the winners were announced and stood atop Victory Mountain while I waited at Base Camp with the oxygen tanks. Bummer. Yes, yes, it's an honor to be nominated, but frankly that honor wears off after a week. To add insult to injury, the emcee announced triumphantly that both the 2nd and 1st place Romance winners' manuscripts were requested by none other than Agent-not-Molly.

Not that Agent-not-Molly meant to be cruel. She was actually very kind. After my collapse at the pitch table, she asked to see fifty pages of The Naturalist (maybe she needs kindling for her fireplace).

"Are you asking out of pity?" I demanded.

"No, no! I'd like to see it," she said convincingly, looking and sounding so much like Molly that I probably will bother to send it, even if it's just a waste of electrons into the void.

I came home a strange mix of elated and discouraged and told my husband in the space of five minutes how excited I was to send stuff in and that, on the other hand, maybe I would quit writing altogether. He heard me out because--heck--he's been married to crazy for almost nineteen years.

The writing life is just like the roller coaster. You wait in line for hours in the boiling sun to thrill and scare yourself to death; you wish you never got on, but then you have the time of your life, and, right after you're let off, you get back in line again. Here we go, folks!

Fights, Flirts, and Love Scenes

I suppose, for alliterative purposes, a better title for this post would have been "Fights, Flirts and Fistulas." Or "Fights, Flirts, and Farmworkers." But, since my topic is Dialogue and Favorite Scenes to Write, I'm afraid fistulas and farmworkers don't make the cut.

My time has been split this week between generating "lessons" for my online writing workshop and getting cracking on my latest fictional WIP. The two have something in common, though--getting me thinking about dialogue. Dialogue--the indispensable core of any good fight, flirt, or love scene.

The writing course, which I've titled "Polish and Publish," has its own private blog for students, complete with lessons, publishing how-tos, writing nuts and bolts, and homework. And one of the fun nuts-and-bolts posts I drafted this week was this one on Dialogue:

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I'm a dialogue fiend. Love the stuff. Good dialogue reveals character, moves the plot forward, makes the reader laugh or cry or swoon. Nor is it limited to fiction--even nonfiction histories get a boost when they quote conversations or correspondence, and self-help and instructional books get spiced up by anecdotes and case histories with a little back-and-forth.

One writer who consulted me about self-publishing told me that, when she first sent her MS to friends for review, they were gentle and encouraging, but several of them suggested she "add some dialogue." Reminded of that scene in Amadeus where Emperor Joseph tells Mozart his music has "too many notes," I asked, "Were there specific places they wanted more dialogue?" And she replied that, actually, her YA story had no dialogue at all! Wow. All I can say is, hang on to that critique group. They're on to something.

So let's talk turkey. What are some things we should put into practice with our dialogue, and what are some things to be avoided?

Do

• EAVESDROP! Hang out at a coffee shop and listen in. How do people talk? What do they say, and how do they say it? What is being said between the lines? Effective dialogue sounds like real people talking. I remember, with my first novel, sending in an excerpt to a literary contest. One judge commented that a certain character used a word that people don't really use in conversation. I would have agreed that that was something to be avoided, except that I myself tended to use that word in conversation. Alas. But in general, his advice was sound.


• USE DIALOGUE TO REVEAL CHARACTER. I touched on this in the Show-not-Tell discussion. Is your character witty? Tongue-tied? Bold? Insecure? Not a native speaker? Show us with his words.


• GIVE EACH CHARACTER A DISTINCT VOICE. Your readers should be able to tell your characters apart. I'm not saying dispense with dialogue tags, or give characters bizarre "tells," but do think about how people you know might have expressions they tend to use. Or different levels of education. Or different vocabulary. Or different styles of speaking. Some people take a very long time to get to the point; others lay it out there lickety-split. Some people worry what everyone else is thinking and spend a lot of time smoothing feathers; others are less sensitive. In one MS I edited, I noted that several of the characters used the same unusual exclamation when they were surprised or irritated, and I flagged it.


• USE IT TO MOVE THE PLOT ALONG. Not only does dialogue reveal character, but it can keep things in motion and add excitement. Consider:

Waving his gun, Henry ordered everyone to put their hands up. Duke bound them with cords and gagged the ones that were making too much noise.

Perfectly fine description of action, if a little ho-hum. Could the addition of dialogue accomplish the same thing, with a little more thrill?

"Put your hands up," Henry shouted, waving his gun. He jerked his chin at Duke. "Bind 'em."

"You won't get away with this," the bank manager declared amidst the screams and cries of the customers and tellers.

"And while you're at it," Henry added, "shut them up."

Used very occasionally, dialogue can also save us time, so the writer doesn't have to describe the action:

"There's something I wanted to tell you," Ray said. "No--just hang on a second. Sit down and hear me out."

When we read the lines above, we understand without being told that Ray's listener didn't want to hear it and tried to leave.

And now for the dialogue pitfalls to be avoided.


Don'ts

• Don't TAG EACH SPEECH if there are only two speakers present. The reader knows that, if it isn't one person speaking, it's the other. Just do it once in a while, so the reader doesn't lose track of who's speaking. In Cormac McCarthy's wonderful novel The Road, he opted out of quote marks and dialogue tags altogether. I understand the point he was making stylistically (spare-looking text for a spare world), but there were many times when I had to go back and count and track with my finger to tell who was talking!


• Don't MAKE EACH DIALOGUE TAG UNIQUE. Yes, sometimes speech calls for a special descriptive tag. He shouted. He snapped. He sobbed. But you have got to believe me that these should be used sparingly. If every tag is a unique action, you distract the reader from what your character is actually saying. Stick to "said" and "asked" for most dialogue, with a few different tags thrown in, if the action described is essential.


• Don't THROW IN EVERYTHING BUT THE KITCHEN SINK. While I recommended you eavesdrop on others' conversations, you might sometimes come to the conclusion that people talk about some pretty dull stuff indeed. Yes, they do. Therefore, when you write dialogue, don't feel obligated to include every last thing. Every last greeting and leavetaking. What everyone ordered in the cafe. All the chitchat they indulged in before they got to the point. Such minutiae can be dispensed with with a summary phrase or sentence: "After they ordered and the waitress was gone, they got down to brass tacks." Or, "After some small talk to set them at ease, Barbara pulled out her notes and said, 'As you know, the reason I called you here was to discuss XYZ...'" There are, of course, exceptions to this advice. You may be wanting to show how your characters stay on the surface and have little to talk about. Or how they are uncomfortable with each other and dance around the subject. Perfectly okay. But make your dialogue serve your stylistic purposes. (I would also recommend you don't lead off your story with a content-less conversation, or your reader might not hang around to see more.)


• Don't USE ANACHRONISTIC LANGUAGE. This "Don't" applies specifically to writers of historical fiction or, indeed, any story not set right now. When I was writing my ghost story, where one character came from the previous century, I frequently checked her vocabulary against the entries in the Oxford English Dictionary online. Would a particular word have been in use during her time, and would it have been used as she used it? I've even consulted the OED for slang usage in the mid-90s! Great resource. Sign in with your library card.

Tips aside, the best way to learn to write dialogue is to practice.

Dialogue Exercises:

1. Revise the following paragraph to include dialogue. Have fun with it!

Jim and Fay got in an argument about where to send their daughter to school. Jim was all for private school, but Fay thought the local public was just fine and could save them some money. As always, Jim thought she was being penny-wise and pound-foolish, which really was his mother-in-law's fault, if he thought about it, raising Fay as she did. But they couldn't really get into all that, not with little Ellie sitting there.

2. Choose a passage (up to a page) in your own writing and revise, focusing specifically on dialogue. Follow with a one-paragraph analysis of how and why you made changes.

And, as with all assignments, keep to the following guidelines.

1. Electronic files compatible with Microsoft Word;
2. Double-spaced;
3. Have 1-inch margins;
4. Have your name in the right-hand corner of the header;
5. Be typed in 12-point Times New Roman (Times, if you use a Mac).
6. Title the file “Dialogue Exercise for __(Title)________.”
7. Attach the file to an email and send it to CNDBookCoach@gmail.com!

© YourBestBookForward.com. All rights reserved.

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So back to my fights, flirts and love scenes. All good fights, flirtations, and love scenes feature plenty of dialogue, which may explain why they're my favorite things to write. I even want to script people's real-live fights. One friend told me about an argument she had with her husband, and I immediately said, "Ooh! Then did you say this and this and this?" She didn't. What? What an opportunity lost, and her husband went away thinking he was right, when he was really, really wrong! I briefly considered developing an online spousal fight-coaching clinic.

Sadly (if you were thinking of signing up), the fight-coaching clinic idea didn't get off the ground, and I redirected all those energies into fiction. My characters can fight all they like. Not to mention flirt all they like, and have as many love scenes as I allow them.

In my current WIP, I'm still getting to know my protagonists and how they relate to each other and those around them, so those favorite scenes remain to be written. Something to look forward to.

"I've always heard the Irish are partial to pigs."

If you've made it through this epic post, I'd love to hear some of your favorite writers for dialogue. I'll throw one out there: Margaret Mitchell. The back-and-forth between Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler* is wonderful. Revealing, biting or flirtatious, unfolding on multiple levels, and often laugh-out-loud funny (Rhett's lines, that is). A close runner-up--the delightful repartee between Lord Peter Wimsy and Harriet Vane in Dorothy Sayers' mysteries.

And you? There are no wrong answers--not even Bella Swan and Edward "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb" Cullen!

(*More about Rhett later, since Gone with the Wind is one of the books Scott and I have chosen for this year's Literary Night. Theme: Homecoming.)

For My Shyer Readers (Help me out?)

Be one of Frannie's champions?

Recently we were polling new members at our summer swim club about how they heard about us and why they joined. The overwhelming reply: the pool was recommended by friends. All the fancy schmancy marketing in the world can't begin to touch word-of-mouth.

As a self-published author, all marketing is up to me and I'm learning as I go, but I've discovered the wonders of word-of-mouth apply even more in the world of books. Especially in the world of books. My readers fall into a few buckets:

1. Those who read and are willing to post a review in a public forum (usually Amazon or a blog mention). This, sadly for me, is the smallest contingent (2%?). (You know who you are, and I kiss you.) I had no idea public writing struck fear to the hearts of many. Public speaking, yes, but public writing?
   
   
2. Those who read and will give it a star-rating on Goodreads. No review, but a rating. I appreciate it, since at least their friends see it, and it adds to the ratings data. Again, this constitutes a handful of people (1%?).
   
   
3. Those who stop me in passing or shoot me a quick email/text to tell me they liked the book. Don't get me wrong. I am deeply appreciative, and it always makes my day, but marketingwise it doesn't go any further. (20% or more?)
   
   
4. The silent others. Granted, if they hated the book, it's probably best they keep silent. Or, I suppose, they never read it, in which case I really can't count them as readers. Hmm... (75% of the pie)

I came across an interesting re-post this morning that inspired me to take keyboard in hand and type this post for you because it had lovely suggestions for my shyer readers. If you enjoyed The Beresfords or Everliving or Mourning Becomes Cassandra or The Littlest Doubts or Mia and the Magic Cupcakes, would you consider letting someone else know?

• Post a link to the book on your Facebook page. Don't have to say much--just something like, "Need a summer read? I liked this one!" (One minute option.)
  
  
• Tweet about the book! (30 second option) Whenever I read something I would give 4 stars or higher, I tweet about it and do a Goodreads rating and post.
  
  
• Pin a copy of the book cover on your Pinterest page. Confession: I don't do Pinterest, but I'm guessing this would be another 30-second operation.
  
  
• Lend your copy out to someone you think might enjoy it. I don't mind. Maybe that person will love writing a public review. :) (No time at all!)
  
  
• Suggest it for your book club. I love to visit. Depending on your book club, this might be quick and painless to do, or you might have to prepare an oral report and be ready to do battle.
  
  
• Give a copy as a gift. Guess what all my kids' teachers are getting in a couple weeks? Uh-huh. They got Mia and the Magic Cupcakes for Christmas, so it's The Beresfords for spring.
  
  
• Invite friends to my next bookstore signing and go out for a meal/drink afterward. I'll be at University Book Store Bellevue on Wednesday, July 18, at 6:30. Walking distance to Zeek's Pizza, Black Bottle, and countless other fun places.

If you have other quick and easy and painless ideas to help me out, be sure to mention them in the comments. I so appreciate you all!

The Above-Average Adventures of Your Average Author

The Guardian recently reported that one half of self-published authors earned less than $500 in the last year. Moreover, a mere 10% of the authors raked in 75% of the royalties. Not the 80/20 rule, but pretty close.

I still remember the day in my twenties when I realized, contrary to childhood dreams, that I was not going to grow up to be a millionaire movie star. Kind of a blow at the time, but it's become an amusing memory, accompanied by the more mature realization that, in the Great Scheme of Things, I'm actually filthy rich and, just by being born a middle-class American, I basically won the global Lottery of Life.

So then, what does this have to do with writing and publishing? Just that, having met with three author hopefuls in the past week (really must cut back--only on Chapter 3 of my WIP), I think the same maturing process takes place in a writer's life. First there are the dreams of being the next Suzanne Collins or Stephenie Meyer or Kathryn Stockett--there are visions of the garbage bags of money being dumped on your doorstep, which you're almost too busy to deal with because you're doing the book tours and talk shows and inking the movie deals and designing the action figures. Then there's the fear-and-doubt stage: actually no one wants to read the stinking thing you've poured yourself into, or if they do, out of curiosity or pity, they'll never read another. And finally, if you do the homework and get your ducks in a row and all goes right, you settle into the Reality stage. Not the Reality you first envisioned, perhaps, but, in truth, a pretty comfy and positive Reality all the same.

Meaning, between the 10% accounting for most of the readership pie, and the 50% accounting for almost none of the readership pie, there's a generous 40% to be spread among the writing realists. The ones who do not expect to retire on their book earnings or even to support themselves, but rather hope to make their writing love self-supporting or even modestly to the good.

I'm thrilled to report that The Beresfords is now, three weeks after debut, in the black. Thank you to my faithful reader base. I'm so grateful there are enough of you that I can continue on this writing adventure. Thanks also to those of you who took the time to write a review or to take me aside or shoot me a text or email to tell me how you liked the book. You are the best.

Of course, as the Guardian article points out, many self-published authors aren't in it for the money. They might just be putting up a book for family enjoyment, or printing just a few copies for an inner circle. Successful in meeting their goals? Yes. Successful as the world defines it? No.

If you, like a supposed 80% of Americans, cherish the hope of becoming an author to more than your twenty nearest-and-dearest, however, I have a few tips. The same ones I've been sharing at these author meetings:

1. Have a professionally-designed cover. I love my gal Kathy Campbell at Gorham Printing.

2. Have an honest critique group, preferrably huge readers who have sharp eyes and good grammar.

3. Hire an editor. (I actually don't keep this rule, since my hub and I have a PhD and M.A. in English, respectively.)

4. If you don't have a decent-sized base who would be interested in buying your book without guilt and coercion, don't print more than 150 copies. Do an ebook. Print-on-Demand can always cover future needs.

5. Read your work aloud. Write it. Read it aloud. Revise. Reading aloud catches word repetition, awkwardness, all kinds of things. Sometimes when I'm reading aloud my finished books at events or to groups, I still edit on the fly to "fix it up."

6. Expect some harsh words. Once your book gains readership beyond your immediate circle, it has entered cyberspace, where anything goes and it's often mean. Be prepared. Ferret through the meanness for grains of truth to grow from and try to forget about the rest.

7. Marketing takes work.

That's it for today. But those are the biggies. Keep them in mind and I think your odds are good. Easy as 40% of the pie.

My slice on the bottom left, courtesy of the Bellevue Farmers Market

Frannie and the Great World

Just some of the famous readers

Thanks to all ladies who turned out for The Beresfords' first launch party! It was a lovely afternoon together--good food and good fun--all in the beautiful setting of Margo's house. Speaking of Margo, take a good look at her on the far right of the picture so you can say, "I knew her when. I ate her cupcakes. I sat on her chairs. Yeah, we go way back"--because the last guests right before us book-launchers happened to be a television crew, there to film a possible reality-tv show pilot. Uh-huh. Will it fly? We'll see, but you've been warned. In the pic you might also recognize (1) a germ-fighting nurse; (2) a kickbox instructor; (3) a champion sailor and First-to-Finish winner of last year's Vic-Maui race. And then--wait a second--I think I spot noted debut YA author Delaney Berggren, whose tale Breakers just landed on Planet Earth a short while ago!

My fabulous checkers-in

Book launches are team efforts, and I deeply appreciate all who helped make it a go--hosts, checkers-in, food-providers, heavy-lifters, and of course my faithful readers. Thank you so much. Getting together with you all--at parties, at book clubs, online--is really the best part of writing. That, and watching characters come to life because other eyes than mine are seeing them.

Me, having issues--check out the patented pen-grip

Despite my ergonomic pen-grip, I wrote some oddball things in your books. For one thing, I didn't seem to be able to form exclamation points. They all came out as almost-question-marks. As in, "Thank you for your friendship?" and "Thank you for reading?" and "Happy summer reading?" No wonder Suzanne Collins resorted to a signature stamp when my 12YO went to her Hunger Games book "signing"! With her gabillion copies to "sign," that would have been a lot of "May the odds be ever in your favor?"

Two church "librarians" I haven't yet alienated

Since I seem to have Young Adult books on the brain, I'm happy to report that The Beresfords is probably the most YA- and church-library-acceptable book I've written to date. Frannie does witness one--ahem!--interaction of an R-rated nature, but it's light on the details. You never know, though--there was one church librarian who objected to the scene in Mourning Becomes Cassandra where Daniel's adventures interrupt Cass's scrubbing routine, so, again, be warned. But I can assure you, there is not one single ghost (as in Everliving) or one single F-bomb (as in Mourning and The Littlest Doubts). There are, however, several references to high-calorie foods (as in Mia and the Magic Cupcakes).

Reading Chapter One and thinking I really shouldn't have used the word "detritus"

Now that I've given you all the caveats, I do hope you enjoy the book. And don't worry if you missed the party--there will be others this summer, and, if you miss all those, too, there's always my next book!

A Kindle-Loving Author's Lament for Paper Books

Oh, Rhett! How I miss my beautiful back cover.

It's the week before launch. Which means I've been busy working on distribution. Thursday I'll pick up the 106 "real books" (i.e., physical copies) of The Beresfords from the awesome folks at Gorham Printing in Centralia, which should cover launch parties and stocking local University Book Store, but for those of you who can't attend a launch or who never visit brick-and-mortar bookstores anymore, I've also been getting the Amazon Print-on-Demand version going and the Kindle and Nook ebooks.

I don't have many gripes about POD--the quality is fine, and I do appreciate not having to stock physical copies. If I could change anything, it would be having a matte option for the cover and to not be charged sales tax (!) when I order my own books for resale.

But I do mourn the ebook versions of all my novels. And I say this as an avid Kindle reader! At least half of my reading happens on the Kindle, but I do wonder if, out there, other authors are shedding tears over ebook versions of their precious babies.

Why mourn the ebook versions? I give you five reasons:

1. My beautiful cover! Yes, the Kindle and Nook offer a thumbprint version, but Kathy Campbell did a lovely job, and details are lost when the image is shrunk down--"wood-grain" swirls, the cool Readers Group dealie and such. When reading physical books, we naturally see the book covers much more. I miss that. Yes, I can "Go To" the cover, but it's a nuisance. And, on the Kindle at least, Amazon starts you automatically at Chapter One, not the cover. Wah.
   
2. My beautiful back cover! Where else can you find the synopsis, blurbs, author bio/pic all in one place, and so artfully laid out? I love that stuff--it's one reason library hardbacks with no dustcover annoy me. Not to mention books with just an enormous author photo taking up the whole back cover. (I'm looking at you, Danielle Steel.)
   
3. The flawless formatting! Having used Adobe InDesign to do my own text formatting for the printed version, I spent time. There were page breaks where they oughtta be. Section breaks. Chapter Breaks. There was nary a widow or orphan to be found. Everything just so. Well, lovely formatting goes out the window in ebook versions. Why? Because the reader can adjust the font size, so text has to flow. Therefore widows and orphans appear constantly. All the breaks get messed up. Bizarre stuff just makes its way in. We've all had the experience of reading ebooks where sudden weird characters or formatting just appear like a bloom of water damage or spilled coffee on a physical book.
   
4. The special fonts and visual treats. The Beresfords features some handwritten letters and even a graduation invitation, all presented beautifully in the physical book. Alas, Kindle only offers two font types (Courier and Times New Roman, I think) and no fancy layout (see point #3). Therefore, the ebook version of Caroline Grant's correspondence with Frannie shows up as--drumroll, please!--italics. Nor could the Nook handle funky characters, such as one finds in Slobodan Milosevich (Blogger can't handle them either). So, Slobodan, if you download my book on Kindle, I want you to know that I got all the kooky accent marks and funny letters in your name right in my printed book.
   
5. And my final cause for lament: in the ebooks I can't control what I want the reader to see. (See #1.) I learned this from my last book Everliving. At a book club I discovered that the Kindle readers weren't even aware the book had epigraphs!(!!!) I loved those danged epigraphs. They meant something. They added to the reader's understanding. No matter--the Kindle kicked off the book at "Chapter One," and everything that came before was skipped over. (You will see in The Beresfords that I have learned. Pertinent quotes now take place after the words "Chapter One.") I can cram other info for the reader at the end of the book, following the text, but if the reader doesn't remember there's a Readers Guide (because he never sees the front cover), he might just stop reading at the end of the story and ditch the rest.

Okay. Done weeping and gnashing my teeth. I look forward to seeing many of you at Saturday's launch. If you can't make it, I'll have copies on me, but remember that University Book Store ships and gift-wraps for free, and their copies will be the same price as the POD version on Amazon.

 Or, just download it after May 5 to your Kindle or Nook. But remember--you've been warned!

Angelina's Leg and the Writing Life

The Leg giving out screenplay Oscars

For all the press Angelina's leg got at the Oscars, right down to the fake Twitter account @Angiesleg and one of the winning screenplay writers mocking her pose, the woman has the right idea.

Too often we hide our greatest achievements behind swaths of rich, Gianni-Versace-draped black velvet, instead of sticking them out there for all the world to see. Doggone it, if you have the best legs since Tina Turner, you have a civic duty to display them!

The Leg on the Red Carpet

Like most of America, I was thinking about Angelina's leg today. In my case, it was because I finished revising The Beresfords and found myself wondering what was next, inspiration-wise--pick up the cougar cruise book again? Start a historical fiction?-- When I mentioned these ideas to a friend, she pointed out that, to date, my works were pretty scatter-shot, generically speaking. Two kinda women's fiction-y (Mourning Becomes Cassandra and The Littlest Doubts), followed by a children's picture book (Mia and the Magic Cupcakes), followed by a paranormal romance (Everliving), followed by a kinda coming-of-age/women's fiction-y/Austen update (The Beresfords). In other words, how would I ever build a consistent reader base, if sometimes I was sticking out my leg, other times an elbow, and still other times cleavage? Should I not pick my best feature and thrust it in the public eye continuously?

In my defense, I intended The Beresfords to connect tangentially with MBC and TLD. The main male character in The Beresfords is named Jonathan, simply because the senior pastor in the Cass books is named Jonathan. (I had to go back and look it up.) But by the time I finished the book, highlighting the connection felt forced. It'll probably have to wait for another story.

Which brings me back to The Leg. If I went by sales alone (not counting free Kindle downloads), MBC is probably still the leader, though Everliving isn't far behind. Yet the 19,000(!) downloads of EL on its free days haven't translated to increased sales of MBC and TLD. Increased sales of EL, yes, but not the "different" books. As my friend suspected, fans of the Elbow were not necessarily interested in the Leg.

If I'm in this to make a career (of sorts) out of it, I should clearly stick with the Leg. But if one of the reasons I chose self-publishing is to write whatever I feel like writing, and never mind the financial consequences, then anything goes.

There's a third option: the Prosthetic Leg. If no one wants to look at your real legs or elbows or any assorted body parts, you could take the time to develop a gorgeous prosthesis and learn how to use it gracefully. For a writer, this could be books published under pseudonyms. Write my historical fiction, that is, but publish it as T. Norris Coningsby or Aurora James.

Alas. Too many options. I'll probably solve it my usual way: I'll start writing several things, and whichever story makes it past Chapter Six gets the green light.

In the meantime, I'm happy to report The Beresfords has entered cover-design phase! Yippee!

Amazon...Because I'm Worthless?

Strangely, I'm not in this picture

This weekend was a perfect storm of ebook marketing research, from which I was able to draw one clear, immediate conclusion: My Books are Worthless.

Let me explain.

1. Amazon started a new program for its authors called "KDP Select." Under this program, you sell your ebook exclusively on Kindle (i.e., not on Nook) for 3 months. In return, you get to...offer your book for free five days in that 3-month period. Huh? As far as I could see, they offered no publicity for you. Just the chance to make ZERO off your book for five days. I know--you can't blame me for being tempted. I signed up Everliving and took it off Nook.


2.I've mentioned before that sales of all my books slowed to a trickle, making me think that my more-than-self-sustaining "hobby" was going to become like most hobbies, a drain on the wallet. If that was going to be the case, I wanted to see if price was an issue. Were people unwilling to try a new author (or a friend's latest book) because $2.99 was a deal-breaker??? Far be it from me to stand between people and great beach reads for the price of a cup of coffee.

3. I scheduled Everliving to be free on Kindle Saturday, January 7 and Sunday, January 8. Then I sent off emails to my favorite bargain Kindle book sites, DailyCheapReads, Pixel of Ink, and Kindle on the Cheap. It turned out only Kindle on the Cheap sent out an announcement, the other two sites perhaps being up to their necks in free ebooks and not in need of another.

4. On Saturday, January 7, Kindle on the Cheap posted about Everliving, and the "sales" started rolling in. I didn't check every hour, but the sales ranking peak I noticed at 7:09P was #160 on the Free list in Kindle/ #6 in Contemporary Fiction/ and #41 in Romance. These are stratospheric heights for a small-peanuts author like me, and the ranking translated to 2,772 copies "sold" on Saturday. (Royalties = $0)

5. On Sunday, January 8, the Kindle Nation Daily promotion I had scheduled back in June finally ran (five days after it was originally scheduled to run, which meant that, instead of getting a sales spike at $2.99, I got the sales spike at $0). The "Weekender" emailing ensured that Everliving stayed in the rankings. Again, I didn't check all the time (because I was watching the Broncos-Steelers game), but I caught a 1:11P sales ranking peak of #118 in Free in Kindle/ #4 in Contemporary Fiction/ and #30 in Romance. Yay! This translated to "sales" of 1,197 copies. Again, Royalties = $0.

What can I conclude from all this? That a few thousand people, with prompting, are happy to give my book a try for free, but far fewer are willing to do so at $2.99. I suppose some of the free-readers might so fall in love with me that they read my other books, but on the other hand, why bother, if they can just move on to the next free ebook? Who wants to fork out $2.99, if there are a bazillion free books to read?

Don't get me wrong--I love free books as much as the next person. There's a reason I'm trolling those sites and get most books at the library. But as an author, it does make me think I could do much, much better if I bagged groceries at the local market.

Oh, well. Back to Chapter 27 of the WIP...